An Unplanned Admission, Submission 3 by Jay Johnson

"What's with all these brochures?"

"They're from adoption agencies. I'm thinking about adopting a child."

"You're serious? YOU are going to try and adopt a kid?"

"Yeah, but I'm going about it a little differently."

"Oh yeah? How so? Why are you even trying this anyway? You know you don't stand a chance at passing the 'parental' tests and crap they do to see if you're fit."

"I think I am fit and prepared, and I think they will see that. Perception is reality, my friend. Besides, the babies I am interested aren't in high demand. They'll practically be giving them away."

"How's that? What kind of baby are you trying to adopt?"

"An A.I.D.S. baby."

"An A.I.D.S. baby?"

"Yes, an A.I.D.S. baby. You know – like those babies that are born addicted to cocaine, because the mother was addicted? Like that, but…"

"Yes, Yes! I know what an A.I.D.S. baby is! Why in the hell are you even thinking about this?"

"I want to adopt a tragedy."

"You want… WHAT? That is some of the lamest, post-modern, 'I'm trying to be shocking – thus deep – thus substantial' bullshit I've ever heard. I am seriously questioning our friendship, right now."

"Chill out man. The kid gets a loving home environment and I can see if I like being a parent. And, if I don't, well, the kid does have A.I.D.S. so it's not, you know…"

"Oh my God."

"…a permanent situation."

"I don't know if I can go on with this narrative. This is, maybe too fucked, even if it is just a short fiction story."

"Stop it. No breaking the fourth wall."

"Third wall."

"Is it? Maybe you're right. Yes, third wall, or whatever. Either way, knock it off. Besides, think about all the trim I will score with this! Girls will go apeshit when they hear I've adopted an A.I.D.S. baby. They'll see how sweet and sensitive and tragic it is."

"Fuck you, man. That's what this is all about, isn't it? Women. And, not even just trying to get laid. Admit it; this is some sick manifestation of your fucking intimacy issues."

"You're ruining this. You're ruining the dark, humorous punch line that I was building up to."

"Fuck that and fuck you. You're so terrified of building intimacy and it failing again and getting hurt that you're just going to go ahead and manufacture an intimate relationship of an already known quantity, which has a predetermined point of failure. Like a motor part in a car – built to fail at a certain mileage."

"What are you talking about?"

"You know exactly what I'm talking about. And, by the way, you stole the whole 'wall-breaking' thing from that one guy's first book. Fucking plagiarizer."

"Plagiarize is such an ugly word. I prefer to think of it as a tribute. And, you've totally ruined the path this story was going to take originally."

"Good. You need to face this shit. You know what the biggest bitch of this whole situation is? It's that you know your mindset in this is fucked up, but you still maintain it, because you've completely lost your way. A.I.D.S. babies are not a proper metaphor for women. Intimacy isn't destined to always fail, like those kids are. And you know that, so quit being a self-fulfilling prophecy. You're smarter than that. Fix you're fucking life and learn to love yourself again."

"God, expository prose is so trite."

"Whatever, you're the one who got yourself in this situation. Don't be such a fucking cliché."